My Decision

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Life, decisions and adulthood: I hereby declare they are as much of a grey area as ever. If this token of abysmal enlightenment isn’t enough, then I implore you to keep reading.
Firstly, I don’t really know where to start – sometimes the most effective and most powerful form of communication is through words, not verbal, but written. They say the pen is mightier than the sword for a reason. Secondly, this is not a self-imposed pity party, for life is too short for anything but growth and development. Pity evokes nothing but stagnancy: ain’t nobody got time for that.
Finally, let’s get started.

For once in my (short) blogging ‘life’, there’s not a planned and cohesive meaning or message behind this post other than the simple fact I want to write. The last few months have been pretty intense. How so? My workload tripled, I left my job after months of chasing (and actively securing) dreams, I travelled and on top of that, I’ve been killing myself physically. The fact I didn’t actually go to bed last night and instead have sat at this computer since yesterday morning is probably a testament to the fact I push myself too far – which is both a great asset, and a liability in some respects. Maybe one day I’ll learn.
Ok – less waffle, more concision.
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What am I getting at here? Asides from my evident lack of sleep (believe it or not I am smiling as I type this), I’ve reached a sort of crossroads. Life is a funny thing, as sometimes you instinctively know the fork in the road is approaching, yet you’re still clueless as to what to do.
Is it normal to want more out of life than the average person? Yes, and no: many want it, but most won’t actively seek it.
Is it wrong to constantly push yourself to be the best version of you for the people you love and respect? I really hope not.
Is it strange to really want to genuinely laugh, live and wholeheartedly love in each present moment? Again, I seriously hope not because that’s all I want. I’m not a crazy worrier, probably more of a dreamer, planner and doer above all, but now I’m panicking and the feeling isn’t good. The feeling simply isn’t me.
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You see, I don’t want boring, small or ordinary – I’m not signing up to that in this one short life I have. I may be The Small Town Girl, but I’m fully aware of the fact I live in a big world and that it’s calling me. I believe the big moments in life happen in the small ones: the stolen kisses in public, the constant support network given from loving friends expecting nothing in return, hysterically laughing until you’re literally crying at something that’s supposed to be stressful but really not caring because seriously, life is too short not to laugh. Those very things are immeasurably important.
As I step further and further into an unconventional life, the fear of whether I’m being ridiculous in my pursuit of such things hits me even harder. However, fear either motivates or tranquillizes. It either excites us in a valuable way that signals we’re doing something of worth, or it literally locks us in pit of frozen despair.
On a final note, I know this post hasn’t been particularly insightful or inspirational to you as a reader and I genuinely really apologise for that. However, it has been so cathartic to sit down and just let the words simultaneously flow from my heart and mind. While I don’t know where I’m going, or what direction things will move in, I do know that I’m choosing to continuously take steps forward, not backwards.
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? I plan to live it, wholeheartedly and without fear. I implore you to do the same. Why? Because I know that you too have got it in you.
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3 Comments

  • Reply mika June 24, 2016 at 10:33 am

    This is such a great post, I'm so happy that you felt so comfortable to be so open and just pour out what you were feeling. It's nice to just see posts like these amongst such stale 'blogger posts' that feel so disconnected and not personal at all! You're so very lovely and it's great that we can live and learn things, find that how we've lived our lives at one point is actually not what we really wanted or what really is the best for us, and we choose a new way of doing things that takes us on a new path and way of life. I've definitely been at this point, and I'm on this new path and hit many bumps but always finding new ways of getting back on track and keeping my dreams and hopes in front of me to keep on going. Having those around who who inspire you and those who you love also who are such a support system is important too. I think in our life there is no concrete way of doing things, change is always there for us, so whatever way we wish to continue on in our life then we should do it! I'm excited for what's in store for you and proud of you! Keep on being amazing, darling 🙂

    xoxo
    http://www.hellohimawari.com

  • Reply Dreaming in Sequins June 25, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    I totally agree with you SL, life is what you make it! If you don't want it to be ordinary… It won't. Sometimes we find the extraordinary in the simplest things. We just have to see it so.

    Siobhan xx

  • Reply torihartin July 3, 2016 at 12:22 pm

    I can relate so much to this. I can't stop worrying about the future as I plan to go university. I have applied for every job under the sun but haven't been successful. I need the money for next year as I don't expect my parents to pay for everything as they physically couldn't, but how will I survive? I know everything is meant to happen for a reason and I try to be positive but things aren't looking very hopeful.

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