Words are powerful, emotions are controlling and sometimes, situations are utterly conflicting.
The sting of each salty tear weighs deep in my heart, as I too feel the heartbreaking pangs of pain I cause each person I love. In less than three weeks I’ll wipe messy lashings of warm fluid from my puffy eyes as I question my very sanity. No doubt I will stand trembling before the airport security gate amidst a scene of raw emotion, weakly comforted by the outstretched arms of the very people that both rejoice and lament over my departure.
My eyes dance to the tune of freedom, excitement, a fresh challenge and a new journey yet my heart slips into a slower slumber of sadness. I miss my family in Australia, the charms of such a beautiful country and the opportunities that come with life there. Oh, how my very being longs to be back below the iridescent twinkling stars. My eyes yearn to clap sight of the truly magical golden hour and of course, I wish to read once more on a patio to the hum of a thousand kookaburras. However, 10,000 miles from the sandy shores of New South Wales lies my home in Northern Ireland full of the people I love, accents we joyfully mock, foods we poke fun at and the best ‘craic’ you’ll ever partake in.
My heart is neither here, nor there. Apparently, it’s everywhere.
So please – stop. We must stop floating by, merely existing with our finger trepidly searching for a gushing pulse of change. In the last year, I’ve learnt more about myself than in several years combined. Life itself is a series of events strung together, with both purpose and meaning, mostly beyond our understanding. Yet at the very heart of this journey lies the true definition of an ironic Celtic verb; change.
We long for the finished product. Please pardon our pain, spare our misery and misfortune, cast aside the hard work and push us to the finish line so we can bask in our new state of transposition. Us humans are pesky fickle critters. We shout loudly, attempt to humbly gloat at our own abilities and often, we simply talk the talk and forget about the walk that ensues.
Dear self, embrace change. The pain hurts, never did I expect to feel so humbled by the feelings of warmth, love and heartache permeated from the people in my life. I’m truly grateful to feel so loved and while such a sweeping sense of sorrow partners with this process, I am beyond blessed to experience it in its entirety.
May we be thankful to experience change, may we put one foot in front of the other as we stumble and strive forward with an attitude of grace and gratefulness. Numbness knocks as we’re tempted to play fool to our feelings, yet may we live a real and raw life full of vulnerability and actuality.
We say life is for the living, but are we really living? As I reach for my passport and move to the other side of the world, it dawns on me, that yes – I’m about to find out.